In Between Worlds
by neon flux
Summary: Sometimes, when you tend to forget why you're in a certain place, you feel as though you're in a maze. Lost. And alone. [HitsuMatsu]
1. Her Mess

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything in this subcategory.

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**In Between Worlds:**

_Her Mess_

* * *

Staring out the window, dark clouds hovered. As the leaves of nearby trees swayed violently, roars of thunder can be heard signifying an impending storm.

She had never liked such weather. It was a stark contrast to the sunny personality she was well-known for. It made people around somewhat nostalgic – gloomy, even.

_And mostly, because it is in times like these that a past lingers in her mind – the only time she ever allowed such thoughts to occupy it._

Unconsciously wrapping her arms on herself, her eyes darted forward, irises somewhat clouded –reflecting the unfolding scenery. It was very dark. Everything was grey, as if any color was nowhere to be found. The room she was in was considerably dark, as well. She opted not to open any lights, or more so have forgotten to open them as the silhouette outside called out to her the soonest she entered the room. Ironically, the atmosphere appealed to her in ways she couldn't explain.

She felt numb…alone...vulnerable.

Funny, she thought. Just a while ago, she and Orihime were having a chat about the activities during the day. It had been a good two hours or so when boisterous laughter echoed across the whole house. She had never laughed as hard as she did then – so much so that her stomach hurt and her eyes teared up.

She came here, her thoughts and her mind seemingly unstable. It was as if she was a kid again – an orphan on the streets with nowhere to go. Her mind was hazy, she really had no idea what she was doing. All she knew was that she was tired of her life on the Seiretei. Tired of remembering how every soul perishes – of taking away lives and effecting judgment on other souls. Of living with memories and in fear of constant death.

Death.

Who was she kidding? Technically, she was dead, wasn't she? What is there then left to fear?

Images plagued her mind, as that one memory associated with this weather came to mind. _His_ funeral. A funeral no soul, alive or dead, would desire to attend. She could recall it was a day similar as this. The rain was about to pour then, as empty chairs surrounded the opened pit. His tombstone lay on the side, with bland inscriptions. Not so much of any dedication, but simply a name.

Ichimaru Gin.

He did his best, didn't he? In fighting for whatever cause it was that he fought for, no matter how twisted his ways or noble his intentions may be. She could understand why no one would appear there. She knew that no matter how much she mattered to the ones she called friends in the Gotei 13, he did not matter as much, if he did at all. Even his lieutenant was nowhere to be seen. Of course, he wouldn't be here, he was gravely injured previously. Unlike her, Gin did not develop such social circles around. He much preferred to be in solitude. And he would rarely allow anyone even a glimpse of his life. Which is why she considered it an honor, sort of an inner pride, that he did with her. She believed it so – even if all of it was for an end she did not know then, she knew in her heart that when he held her hand all those years ago and looked at her, lifting her up and saving her from an impoverished life, he was sincere. That he, dare she say it, loved her. Loved her in the only way he knew how.

A thunder echoed again, as tiny droplets of rain started to pour. It was an exquisite sight, perhaps, in the eyes of someone so used to such darkness. She was not proud of her past, but she was thankful for it. Without it, she wouldn't be as strong as she was now. _She wouldn't have met him._

But she was no fool. She was not a tool, and she made that clear when she drew the line of being bound to the past or her duty. The moment she drew her sword and shielded it against Gin's was the moment she made a stand.

Yes, she loved him. But she knew very well how love can be so poisonous and she would not succumb and turn a blind eye on what is righteous for its sake. Thinking about it now, her captain's virtues might have rubbed off on her.

These two have so much in common that it scares her sometimes.

She then heard a knock on the door which was left ajar.

"There you are." Came Orihime's cheery voice. She had with her a tray with two cups, and was that a platter of cookies? From where she stood, she could still see steam coming off. 'Must be tea.' She thought.

She gave the orange-haired a smile, acknowledging her presence as she walked towards her.

"I figured now is a good time to have tea, with the weather and all."

"I suppose so."

She then took hold of the plate, assisting Orihime to the dining area. Her house was cozy and she honestly felt comfortable here. There is this window right above the sink and they could hear the titter-tatter of the rain.

The ambiance was nothing short of relaxing.

Perhaps this is the reason why she was there. Orihime's home was like her own's, except more organized, of course. And the lady herself provided good company.

They sat across each other, merrily talking about the many nothings in the day. Their topics ranged from food to clothing, to even their ideal pets.

"I would have loved a cat, but my captain…" A sudden memory crossed her mind. Her captain, and that one moment when he had a sneezing fit. It was her fault after all, hiding a cat on their office and not telling him about it. Because of that, he ended up getting treated at the 4th division. How she chuckled at the memory.

Waking up from her momentary daze, she looked to see Orihime expecting her to continue.

"Your captain?"

"…yes, my captain. He never did like the idea of me owning a cat."

"Doesn't he like cats?"

"Well, no. Actually, he just doesn't like pets in general, so…"

"Hitsugaya-taicho seems a very uptight person."

"He could be at times, but, in more ways than one, it's one of the few things which make him so endearing."

"You know, I kind of like how you two work together." Orihime commented as she stood up from her seat and went over to the stove, where the kettle of tea lay.

Matsumoto stirred her cup momentarily, humming a tune to herself as she observed the tiny ripples on the liquid's surface.

"What made you say that?"

"Well, considering how opposite you two seem, you just kind of…" Staring up, a thought crossed her mind as she looked back at the seated woman, whose eyes also were on her.

"…I don't know, 'click'? If you know what I mean."

Looking back at her cup, she somewhat whispered, "We click, huh." And for some reason, she tried to remember how they ended up talking about her captain in the first place. It started with the cat though, but somehow, the thought of him affected her in ways she couldn't explain.

"But I left him…didn't I?"

Matsumoto ought to not have voiced it out, but Orihime did hear it. Letting out an audible sigh, she took the kettle by its handle and turned around.

"Enough about that. Why don't we talk about what we would do tomorrow? Seeing as how it's evening and the storm doesn't seem to let up." She smiled cheerily, as she refilled both their cups with more tea.

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes, tomorrow. I kind of figured out you'll be staying the night. You will be here tomorrow, right?"

Nodding, she gave her a smile. Matsumoto was grateful for Orihime's hospitality. She was actually thankful for the change in topic, perhaps the girl did understand what must be on her mind.

'_About how difficult it was to confront the consequences of her actions.'_

The least Matsumoto could do was show Orihime that everything was all right with her. She had been here for barely half a day and surely, she was confused as to her sudden appearance. She just didn't know how to start explaining herself and Orihime seemed to not force it out of her either.

"I don't know, but shopping, I guess? It's been a long while since I've been here."

"That's a good idea. You'll love the new trends now, I'm sure of it."

Both ladies continued to sip on their cups, enjoying how the warmth entered their bodies and the aroma filled their senses.

"You make such good tea." Matsumoto complimented.

"Well, there is this shop down the road where I bought the leaves from. I'll show you around that area tomorrow, too, if you want."

"I'd like that. I mean, my captain is such a sucker for tea after all. You see, drinking tea helps him lighten his mood. If I ever want any favor from him, I'd simply go and prepare him something to drink and voila!"

Suddenly conscious of what she just said, she looked back at Orihime.

"I talk about him a lot, do I?"

"Well, you practically saw him grow up. I can't blame you for that." Her companion chimed in.

"He grew up too fast though." Matsumoto then took another sip, momentarily closing her eyes.

"I can still remember when he was this little…" Lifting her arm, she raised it just inches above the table.

"…he was so adorable ever since. He kind of never really lost that charm about him. No matter the years."

Orihime could tell that though Matsumoto was looking at her, she was trapped somewhere else. Like, she was there, but she really wasn't. She had that aura about her, as if reminiscing a very fond memory.

"The years had been very kind to him, then."

"Oh yes they have been! I mean, you should see him now. He's like…almost as tall as me. Still grumpy though, but dare I say it, more manly." Talking about him this way brought a light feeling on her heart. Matsumoto then described how sharp his features were, or how his voice would often crack when barking orders at her. At one point, she could even count the number of hair he had on his chin.

It was ironic how she could still remember even the tiniest detail. It was though it happened not long ago. Everything appeared clear to her mind.

This was all familiar. Talking about her captain was something very natural for her. The darkness or coldness she felt earlier was easily replaced with something warmer. Just thinking about him calmed her. And she really did not know why.

It is in the middle of this mirth that a knock was heard. They looked at each other first, noting that Orihime was not expecting any visitors this evening. Regardless, Matsumoto offered to check on the door. Seeing as how it was her house, however, Orihime insisted and thus, proceeded to check on their visitor.

It was taking her a while though. Matsumoto could swear it had been a good ten minutes since Orihime stood up a while ago. Besides, their cups were beginning to lose heat.

Standing up from her seat, she approached the girl who remained still next to the door.

"Inoue, if you don't hurry our tea might get cold–"

Her eyes widened.

'_I really should have known.'_

There, standing just outside was her captain, soaking wet from the rain. He also seemed to be out of breath, a hand holding onto the doorframe as support.

His teal eyes looked straight at hers.

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**End of Chapter**

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**A/N:** I honestly didn't know how this one went. Basically, this will be a two-shot (or a three-shot, depends), wherein I would focus more on the why's or what's next chapter. Thank you dear readers for the time you spent just browsing over or reading it whole, and of course, your thoughts / reviews are highly appreciated.


	2. Her Dawn

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything in this subcategory.

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**In Between Worlds**

_Her Dawn_

* * *

"_When is your birthday?"_

_It was an all-too familiar question. She used to think, what are birthdays for? What do they signify? She never really valued birthdays. They seemed like any ordinary day. Back when she was fending off for herself on the inner outskirts of Rukongai, she used to believe that every soul fights for survival, and that alone. Every waking day is an opportunity to be better off than yesterday. It was a rule she held through. It was a tough childhood, but she had to cope._

_The strongest shall live another day. Those who failed would perish._

_But what did it mean to perish? To be inexistent?_

_Slumping on her feet, under an unforgiving sun, some way, she knew the end was near. So near, she can taste it. _

_She longed for rest – longed to rest her limbs and weary body. It's too much. All of these daily struggles seem to be taking their toll. Finally._

_A hand. It was all she saw before her. That, and his smile._

_Raising her arm, she reached for his outstretched hand._

_'Who are you…?'_

_She should have asked him then, but instead, what came out of her instead was a soft whisper._

"_Thank you."_

_Every year since that day, she then knew what a birthday meant. _

_It meant a new beginning - life._

_._

_._

_._

_._

"Hitsugaya-taichou, come in please," came Orihime's voice, making way for the seemingly taller male to enter. Averting his gaze, he nodded and stepped in, fully aware of the mess he made on the wooden flooring. "I'll get that later." spoke Orihime, seeing as how apologetic he appeared for the sudden intrusion at such an hour. He could only mumble a soft "Thank you" for the human girl's kindness. Orihime then excused herself to get some towel to dry himself with, and presumably some clothes for him to change in. As she passed by Matsumoto, she held her arm, pinching it lightly as if apologizing for not warning her sooner. The other woman simply gave her a small smile.

In all this, he had his eyes on Matsumoto, and she knew.

_There was no better way to handle such a terse situation…_

"Taicho," she beamed with acknowledgement in her usual sing-song voice, a smile finding its way on her lips. She leaned her back against the other doorframe, both arms folded just below her generous chest.

…_than for her to go back to her old self – the one he was most familiar with._

_Simply because he shouldn't see me as I am right now - lost, and broken._

"So, what brought you here?" She was one to ask.

He remained awfully still, not moving an inch. There was something about his glare that can frighten an ordinary soul, but definitely it didn't affect her, as much as he hoped it did.

"You tell me, _lieutenant_."

She noted the bit of emphasis with the way her title came off his lips. Regarding him for a moment, she couldn't help but maintain her smile.

"Mou, taicho…" standing to her full height, she approached him.

"…It's no fun guessing what's on your mind." Lightly tucking a loose strand on his ear, she gently held his cheek. Her eyes dangerously reflected in his.

And her hand - it was all too warm for his liking. He did feel slightly uncomfortable. She had an effect on him which he couldn't quite explain.

Jerking off from the innocent touch, he turned his head and tried to stare her down. A feat, he knew, which would never work on her, but he tried nonetheless.

"Hitsugaya-taichou…" came Inoue's hurried voice as she reappeared on the scene. She had with her a white towel and some loose clothing.

"…I'm sorry it took so long but I hope these would do. The bathroom is right around the corner. If you wish to take a shower, there are some useful items there you might find. You better change now before you catch a cold."

He acknowledged the worried tone in her voice. At least there was someone in this room who thought of his welfare after all. Stepping away from Matsumoto's close proximity, he bowed his head low and thanked Orihime as he went on his way.

"Rangiku-san…" the human looked back at her companion, whose eyes seemed to follow his movements.

The strawberry-head sighed. Fixing her gaze on Orihime, she was honestly quite worried for her herself. The poor girl seemed as though she'd seen a ghost.

_She always would want to make her guests feel comfortable._

"What's with that expression?" she tried to cheer her up.

"It's just my taicho. Nothing to fret!"

Offering her some reassurance, the said human still acted worried beyond her.

"Still, Rangiku-san, didn't you leave Soul Society just to be by yourself…? With your captain here, I'm afraid the purpose is defeated…"

Her insight though is admirable. Putting both hands on her shoulder, she tried to ease her tension.

"I'm ok, Inoue. Thank you for your worry. In fact, I am quite embarrassed to see my taicho here. Nevertheless, you had been a great host to me. I'm sorry for causing all these trouble though." Uttering the last part with sincerity, she made sure Orihime knew just exactly how grateful she was.

At that, her friend managed a smile as she conceded.

"If you say so."

* * *

The dining room had never felt so awkward. Hitsugaya sat opposite of Matsumoto as Orihime positioned herself on the center. Staring back from him to her, the human girl could very well feel an unexplainable tension in the air.

Being together in their division, she wondered if the atmosphere had always been like this between them two. It was not long ago when she invited them over to discuss something. It was an urgent call which required her presence. Apparently, the location was Kurosaki's place which was considerably not far from her apartment.

It's not like she can't leave, it's just that she can't leave these two _alone_. And she knew she should have been on her way long before, lest she wanted to wait 'til the storm surged more fiercely than it currently has been for the past hour or so.

"It's all right, Inoue. We can manage." Chirped Matsumoto as she clasped both her hands, fully aware of what was troubling the said human.

"It's not like we would kill each other tonight. Right, _taicho_?" She cooed, looking straight at her somewhat stoic captain.

"Very _unlikely_." Commented the male.

Looking at him however, Orihime couldn't very well associate his words with his actions - not with how he gritted his teeth staring at his lieutenant whose features feigned innocence.

Matsumoto really knew how to tease her captain quite well.

But Orihime knew better, she might as well just burn her whole apartment down than to have these two the liberty to get at each other's throats. She knew she was over thinking but her hesitation on this one was absolutely strong.

"You should be on your way, Inoue." Came Matsumoto's voice with the same reassuring voice she had earlier.

Sighing in defeat, the girl conceded as she stood up and looked at both her guests.

"I will be back the soonest. I trust that everything will be fine?"

"Have no worries, we'll keep your apartment just like when you left it!" Standing up and stretching both arms, Matsumoto hurried to Orihime's side and holding her by the shoulders, pushed the human towards the door. She, of course, ensured that the smaller girl had her jacket on and an umbrella on hand.

Staring out through the glassed window, it would seem that the weather was forgiving as the rain ceased to pour momentarily, although the dark clouds still continued to hover - a sign that this storm might not be over soon. Nevertheless, if anyone dared to walk the streets, now would be the most opportune moment.

"Now, are you sure you do not want me to accompany you?" the Shinigami inquired, effecting a few motherly brushes on the creases of Orihime's jacket.

"There is no need, Rangiku-san." Looking back inside, she then gazed on Matsumoto.

"Are you sure you can manage though?" she quickly added.

"Hai!"

And with a final tug, Matsumoto opened the door and pushed Orihime out. Waving back at her, she gave her a smile. Smiling, Orihime waved back as the door closed.

This was not the first time Orihime had left Hitsugaya and Matsumoto by themselves. But with how the female was acting earlier, she could tell something was amiss. She need not take a moment to think though, or ponder as to why. She could only imagine her shock seeing a wet-clad Matsumoto, shivering under the rain that afternoon. She was quick to invite her in, but the soonest she entered, she felt herself being crushed in a somewhat tight hug by the taller female.

_It was as if she just needed to hold onto someone at that moment._

She remembered just vaguely how her eyes were different, how she "spaced out" as though in deep contemplation.

It was the same expression Matsumoto wore when she intruded her peace. She thought then that a cup of tea and some cookies might help her relax. But seeing her there, arms on herself and staring blankly outside the window, she couldn't help but be affected somewhat. Without saying a word, she knew the shinigami was going through something. Call it a woman's intuition or whatever it was that connected them, she felt an impending need to at least alleviate her companion's worries.

She familiarly related Matsumoto to a ray of light, and was often than not amazed at how she could effectively change the mood of wherever place she might find herself in. She's very sociable and relatable, too, which made her very endearing to those around her. These are just some of the traits she admired about her.

_Which was why she couldn't bear to see her acting the way she did today. _

Noticing she had been standing on the same spot for quite some time, she shook her head as she exhaled a breath she didn't knew she held.

"Perhaps," she thought, "Hitsugaya-taicho might just be the right one to help her out."

She then went on her way.

* * *

Matsumoto wasn't aware that she had held on the door for a while. The façade she put up earlier broke down the instant the door closed. She had to be strong, or at least look like it in front of Orihime. She had troubled the human long enough, without necessarily explaining the reasons behind.

_What am I doing here…?_

And then she felt it, without even needing to turn back. She knew her captain was just standing right behind her. His gaze was impeccable.

Needing again to put up her worn-out façade, she faced him.

"Taicho, how long have you been there?" Smiling, she made her way through, intending to pass him by and just help out in the dishes left by the sink.

But he caught her arm just doing so.

"Tell me, Matsumoto…"

It was the first time he addressed her today. Even if she would deny it, she did miss him calling out to her by her last name.

"…what's really going on?"

By his grip, she knew she couldn't get out on this one. And knew very well he would be his insistent self. Stuck with him throughout the night, she didn't think she had any option left.

_Her taicho know her all too well._

And in an instant, her façade came crashing down and suddenly, quite subtly, she felt as though she couldn't breathe.

Facing him, she bowed low.

"I'm sorry."

It was all she could say. He should be angry, furious even as she simply left without saying a word to anyone. She was being selfish, she knew, but she also knew that if she stayed in Seiretei for inasmuch as a second, her whole being will break. She just felt a need…a very urgent need to leave. To go somewhere place which wasn't filled with _him_.

And that's exactly what she did. Like a thief in the night, without a note, without any sign, she left.

But right now, she remained resolute.

"You should not have bothered looking for me, taicho."

He breathed in hard. She could tell that his brows by now have creased. It took a while before he did anything, or even utter a word. A number of emotions danced in his eyes, until finally, the more dominant one prevailed – _relief_.

"Idiot." He sighed. His eyes pierced through her whole being.

_Of course I'd come looking for you._

His thought remained unvoiced, but as their gazes met, she knew and she felt that no matter what she said, no matter what she did, here he was, standing before her – damning the rain and all, looking back at her with the same intensity she came to associate him with. The same intensity in those orbs that she came to admire, that she grew to care for deeply.

He looked so helpless. He _felt_ so helpless. Sure, Matsumoto was there right before him, but with how she acted, with how she casually rid him, he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by emotions. His hand gripped her arm tighter.

_Did you know how much I worried?_

"What you did was impulsive, reckless and very characteristic of you." He voiced out the last line with much emphasis.

_It was very stupid. _

"You were supposed to finish the drills. And you…" he couldn't seem to control himself. She could see he was having a difficult time to do so. His hold on her was a bit painful, too.

"…you left. Without a word. You just left as if you have no other responsibility. And how do you explain that?"

A reprimand was the last thing she needed at the moment. Her understanding proved thin no matter how unreasonable she knew she already was.

_Of course he would act the way he's acting now. He's her superior officer, after all, and she, his errant second-in-command._

But she was not ready to deal with this. Not yet.

Getting herself loose from his hold, she looked back at him.

"I did finish the drills, _sir_. I left the soonest I dismissed the men." Formality soon gone, she snapped back.

"I have told you time and again, it is not enough that you see it physically through. Unless it is written down and documented, it did not exist." His patience was wavering, but his resolve remained firm.

"Well, I apologize, taicho. I shall have the paperwork finished the soonest."

The dryness in her tone didn't help his raging mind. At all.

"That's not even the point!" exasperated, he gnarled at her. "…how on earth did you get yourself in the world of the living in the first place?"

He could feel there was no structure in his questions, as he simply voiced out whatever thought came to mind.

_Like a kid throwing tantrums. He never felt so pathetic before._

Straightening her back, she looked at him over.

"The same way you did. _With_ permission."

"Then care to explain why _I_, your superior, wasn't aware of this _permitted_ trip of yours?"

"That is because…"

"And it's not like you can't be found! I'd think you'd be smarter in choosing the place to stay otherwise. This seemed a _very likely_ hiding spot. You might as well have hidden in the barracks for all I care." The words laced with sarcasm and the fluidity of how he spoke them bordered on irritating and offensive.

_As though he wanted to put sense in what he very much thought was senseless._

"And why, for the love of all things, did you leave in the first place?"

How she appeared at that moment, took his breath away. That final question stirred something in her that he couldn't very well describe. It was as if, he was looking at himself. Clearly taken aback, he allowed himself to lean against the wall. She had her eyes on him, her face painted a worry – a fear.

_I just want to know why you left - why you left me._

Silence, and a few passing minutes. No other sound was heard as the rain outside started to pour heavily yet again. Visibly drained, he knew he was physically, and somewhat emotionally, tired. The relief at finding her here, safe, was easily replaced by something else – hurt, and utmost disappointment.

He was disappointed in her, but more so in him, for not knowing what led to this. But can anyone blame him? There was no sign beforehand, she seemed normal. She seemed all right. _Happy_.

Heaving a sigh, he straightened his back, head bowed low.

"Let's rest. It had been a long day."

And he left, without inasmuch as a glance back to her. Not wanting to see the effect his words had on her. Or on how damaged she looked at that very moment.

_Because as much as the thought of her leaving him pained him, he could not bear to see for all the life in him how much she looked just like him – broken and devastated._

* * *

She knew she was selfish. It had been clearly established when she left thinking only about herself. She also knew that there were consequences for her actions, that people around may be hurt. And that she was being unfair, so much, to that one person who stood by her the most.

Looking down at his figure, he had his back turned on her as he lay motionless on the floor. A blanket draped over his body.

For some reason, her captain telling her directly what she did and what she left shook her. She knew all these but to hear it from someone else was another thing. The impact was definitely forceful.

Her captain was awfully quiet. Even though she could not see him, she could feel that he, like her, found it difficult to sleep that night. No matter the warmth provided by the blanket over her, lying there in that mattress, she never felt so cold before.

About an hour had passed since he confronted her, and never had she realized how much he really cared for her, or how much she wanted to open up to him, for that matter.

Shifting, she turned to her side – the one where she knew her captain was at.

"Taicho…?" she called out for good measure. Not really sure if he would even in the slightest bit respond to her.

_Not after what happened earlier._

All she had received was a grunt in return. She smiled, imagining his face right at that moment. At least he didn't completely ignore her.

"I always wondered…"

Staring up at the ceiling, she continued.

"…when captains and lieutenants leave their posts, what makes of their division?"

He breathed hard as he turned his back on her. She waited for a few minutes, and when no response was given, she sighed. He really must be _that_ mad at her.

He snorted.

"You've been a lieutenant for years, Matsumoto. Surely, you _know_ that no division can be left unsupervised." She could hear him growl the last line, possibly out of annoyance than anything else.

She could still see that twitch in his forehead. She smiled.

"Still, I think it would be chaotic."

"Of course it would be chaotic!" He snarled back. He really should learn how to control his temper. Being soaked in the rain finding his lieutenant earlier didn't help this cause at all.

"And would you please stop thinking. It's unbecoming of you." He didn't mean to offend her, but in all seriousness, he couldn't help but be amazed where her thoughts came from.

Silence followed afterwards, and Hitsugaya wondered if she had fallen asleep.

"You must really be dying to know what I'm doing here, taicho."

Turning once more, he, too, faced the ceiling.

"No. I thought I already made it clear that I'm more interested in knowing why you left."

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_It flashed momentarily - a memory of a time when she was walking up at a hill. It was chilly, and though the sun had just risen, clouds above blocked its rays, rendering darkness wherever she looked._

_She remembered breathing heavily, holding onto her sword a bit too tightly. The atmosphere was too solemn, even to her liking._

.

.

.

.

"Matsumoto?"

Breaking from her reverie, her eyes began to close, slowly drifting somewhere else – sleep little by little claiming her. He turned yet again, this time, facing her side.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yes, taicho."

"And?"

"I don't really know." It was barely above a whisper, but the words rang true to her ears.

_I don't really know._

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.

.

.

_She found herself standing on top of the hill once more. It was a familiar feeling, the scenery before her all too recognizable. In front lay the pit, although no body was ever going to be buried in it. On her right was the stone. Engraved in it was his name._

_Ichimaru Gin._

_Dark clouds hovered above. Lightning stroke as the thunder clapped. Once, twice, she lost count._

_Is this…a dream? _

_She stepped forward and tried looking around. There were empty seats. Some tumbled over due to a rough wind. Looking up at the lone oak tree, its leaves ferociously swayed, some falling abruptly on the grass below._

_The feeling of being there was unexplainable. It weighed heavily on her heart, tearing her insides apart. It was all so heavy, all so tiring. Gray. It was gray everywhere. She found it hard to breathe. Each breath she took taking a toll on her. Another strong breeze threatened to push her over as a few more sets of seats tumbled along its wake. _

_Holding her arms around her body, she began to shiver. If this was a dream like she initially thought it to be, then why did all these seem - no - feel, so genuinely real?_

"_Gin…" Looking ahead of her she began to walk towards the pit, a hand outstretched._

_Either the storm reflected her inner turmoil or her vision began to fail her as she felt herself slowly, but surely, slipping away. Her eyelids felt heavy all of a sudden, and little by little, her vision blurred. Focused on her hand reaching for his tombstone, she fell…_

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'_**THUD.'**_

Yelping in pain, she opened her eyes as she heard a familiar voice.

"Oww. What was that all about?!"

He sure did not sound happy being woken in the middle of the night. He could have toned down a bit though.

Glaring at the slumped figure over him, she tried to act nonchalant about it. She did fall from the bed unceremoniously over to her then-sleeping captain.

"Oops. The sheets are kinda slippery. We should have these kinds in our quarters, taicho." She beamed. A familiar crease of his brow met her as his face somewhat contorted.

Regardless, she tried to make herself comfortable in her new position, seeing as how her captain tried his hardest to control his surely rummaging emotions.

She just wanted to push his button further seeing as she desperately needed something else to divert her attention to. She figured her captain could be just that. Not that he would mind, for the countless times, of course.

_Or did he…_

"MATSUMO-"

A loud roar of thunder echoed, as he felt her body shake. Her hands gripped on his shirt tightly as she shut her eyes completely.

His features softened a bit. This fully-grown woman he calls his vice-captain had been clinging to him as if her life depended on it. In all honesty, he didn't know exactly what to do. The rain outside poured harder as thunder after thunder came roaring through. Each and every time, she clung to him harder, if that was even possible.

"Hey, Matsumoto…" He swallowed hard.

She had her face buried on his shirt by then, and he could feel her breathing through the fabric. Her body was all over him and he could very much feel his muscles begin to cramp a bit, especially over his legs which were trapped unglamorously by hers.

With both his elbows supporting him into a semi-seating position and his vice-captain too preoccupied to move, he scanned the room they were in and noticed the bed drawer just a couple of inches from his back.

Staring back at her, he whispered softly.

"I'll try to move us a bit, if you could just…let me…"

As he was speaking, little by little he adjusted their bodies and used his legs to push them both until he could feel his back hitting the wooden furniture. In all this, Matsumoto remained still, fully engulfed in whatever it was that was on her mind.

More comfortable than his earlier position, he used a hand to reach for his pillow and the freed blanket as his other made sure to hold Matsumoto's body close to his. Placing the cushion on his back, he spread the blanket over them as she shifted her body, a hand tugging on the material.

'_Much better.' _He thought as he used both arms now to cradle her.

For a few minutes, they remained still. The only noise came from the window where the hard rain poured. He could feel the rise and fall of her chest against his as her head rested just below his neck. His senses were filled by her. He could smell the fragrance of her hair and could feel the touch of her legs on his. When he held her close to him, initially, he never really thought about what would happen afterwards. All he wanted was to push her aside and let him have his peaceful slumber back. And right now, as he was holding her, he really didn't know what to make of it.

_Why was he holding her anyway?_

True, she really did seem scared of thunder, or rain, or the whole storm in general. And shamefully, he really wasn't aware of that, considering how much pride he takes in knowing her all too well by heart. Not that he was privy of the details of her sleeping habits, but he did observe her when she took her nap by the couch many a time. He then thought of how she was at her own quarters…if she…what she wore during the night…her favorite position as she slept…or…

All too quickly cutting his trail of thoughts, he shook his head violently, fighting the growing blush burning on his cheeks. He tried to redirect his focus on the cause of all this. Glancing down at her, he knew this was different.

This _felt_ different entirely.

He knew it wasn't him murmuring on his sleep earlier, at least, he was sure now that it was her.

"Thank you, taicho."

'_Damn it. She was awake this whole time.' _He forced to stifle a low growl, immediately, loosening his tight hold on her but still not letting go.

Slowly, she opened her tightly-closed eyes. She didn't glance up at him though she kept her hold on his tight frame. She began to relax a bit, but her eyes just looked on the side, as if staring into nothingness.

Again, silence.

"Just like this..."

Looking down at her, he waited. She shifted her head, burying her face against the crook of his neck. Inhaling his scent, she whispered softly, her breath tickled his skin.

"...hold me just like this."

He wasn't one to obey orders, definitely not coming from a lower-ranked shinigami, who earlier dared to disobey him. _Or leave him_. But still, this was Matsumoto, _his_ Matsumoto, and he sensed her fragility just by the way she uttered those words. No spoken communication was necessary. She's afraid. It didn't need a genius to figure that one out.

Thus, he held her, hoping that his arms would provide enough security for her trembling limbs.

_Hoping that what he had was enough for her. Even for just this night._

* * *

She didn't know how long she had slept but she did feel a bit more relaxed than usual. She awoke to the chirping of the birds. "The storm's passed," she thought, as she nestled comfortably against the mattress.

But why did her mattress feel like it's moving, like it's breathing…?

Opening her eyes, she stared straight at his face. His arms embraced her body, holding her. From where she was, his face was uncomfortably close to hers. She had her hands immediately on his chest, she tried to remember what exactly happened that night.

She could recall having a dream, and falling off the bed right after, but snuggling against her captain? She must have done something, or said some random thing for him to even allow her to lie next to him, lest have his hands on her the way they did.

But in the light of the day, as dawn threatened to break the skies, she lay there still, observing him silently, cautious not to wake him up.

Everything felt so calm. It was so peaceful and…light.

_This feeling…it feels…right._

Raising a hand, she allowed her fingertips to brush ever so lightly on his cheek.

"Taicho…" she unconsciously called out as she proceeded with her ministrations, her thumb ghosting over his eyes, and tracing the shape of his nose. And when she reached his lips, she felt a tingling sensation on her body. She could feel it – that familiar tug at her heart as it started to race. As if caught in a trance, she could sense her own face nearing his…slowly…closing her eyes…

Just before what little gap between them could be closed, he moved his head a bit towards the side, mumbling incoherent words and in the process, breaking her reverie.

_What just happened?_

A bit bewildered at her sudden unexplainable boldness, she tried to untangle herself from his arms, and carefully stood up, mindful to keep the noise at bay. He looked very content in his sleep, and she did not wish to deprive him of that.

It was the least she could do, after yesterday's events.

Kneeling down, she lifted the blanket over him, studying him and the effect his presence had on her. Giving her captain a final look, she stood up and proceeded towards the door.

She would admit though, that waking up this way was so much better than the cold a bed, no matter how soft, offered her.

She only meant to buy some tea leaves she remembered Orihime tell her about yesterday. She figured she had to apologize properly to her captain for everything she did yesterday. She knew all too well that she had to acknowledge her mistake and not telling him anything was rude even to her own liking - after all that they've been through together.

_Which was a lot._

Reaching the store, she was amazed at the various selections on hand. Finally selecting one which she thought he would like, she made her purchase (which had additional boxes of other flavors, to bring back to their division and some as gifts of gratitude for Orihime) and made her way back.

The weather was much better today. There were no traces of the dark clouds like yesterday and the sun was barely up, too. It was a good morning, as few souls can be seen on the streets of this neighborhood.

She took a different route back though, as she seemingly just wanted to bask in the sunlight. Outdoors was much better, after the raining the previous night and all.

It was on this path that she noticed a small hill on her right, just across the playground. She then made her way towards it, finding it interesting to see such a sight.

A sturdy tree lay on its middle as the view overlooked the park and other establishments. The breeze was cool here, too, and it took only a moment for her to decide to stay a bit. It was too good of an atmosphere to miss out.

Sitting against the tree, she allowed herself to catch her breath. Closing her eyes, she began to drift again.

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.

_It was hard to walk away. She tried to reach him, desperately outstretched her arms. But her feet began to fail her. Bruises were all over her body and every step she took felt heavy. Standing up straight was even laborious, as she used her sword for support to her weakened body. Releasing such energy was too much even for her caliber. Her bankai proved all too powerful and uncontrollable. For the moment, she swore she could feel Haneiko eating her up. The soul spirit, no matter how ruthless, obliged the command of her yielder. It was their bond and her control that saved her. It was her strength that allowed her to once and for all exude dominance over the hellcat. _

_And when it was all over, when all that should be done was done, she was there, one among the final frontiers. _

_Blood trickled across her forehead as her hair flowed with the ominous breeze. _

_And she was back again on the grave._

_This time, she did not fall nor did she waver. Standing there, his tombstone came to view. She turned around and walked away, farther back as she descended the hill. It did rain that day, although it became more of a drizzle not long after. She had her head bowed low, finding the patches of land on her trail more interesting than any view, as if lost in deep thought only she knew of._

_She sighed, observing no other soul was in sight. _

'_No one really cared enough for you…'_

_And as she looked up, her vision cleared. Momentary shock drew across her pale features, which were all replaced by a relieved albeit heavy smile._

'_I really should have known.' _

_There he was - at the bottom of the hill, carrying with him a slightly used umbrella on his fingertips. His sword was conveniently tucked on his back as his white hair stood out even from a distance._

_His teal eyes were on her and lit in recognition as she neared._

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"Slacking off again, I see."

She opened her eyes and saw him, approaching her. His voice and presence awoke her, noting a cool breeze so easily accustomed to him. He could always find her. That was proven long ago.

Taking a seat next to her, he looked over to his surroundings. She observed that he had her hasty scribbled note on his hand, telling her of where she went that morning.

"No wonder you like it here." He commented as tense muscles suddenly relaxed.

The wind ruffled his already messy locks as she stared at him, a smile forming on her lips. It was not long ago when they fought the war together. Not long ago when she was left to suffer the consequences of a world without _him_. A world, which enabled her to live on, nevertheless.

A few more minutes passed in silence as he simply took in the sight below. Nothing much could be seen, as the hill they were on with the lone tree perched just above the park. Further front, structures such as houses and buildings can be seen. There were not much people out at such an early hour, except for those trickling to get an early jog.

He can get used to this kind of calm. It's not everyday after all that he could see such a view, aside from the normal hallways and monotonous pathways from his chamber to the administrative office of his division. Even in his mind, he was confident enough that he could reach any room without getting a wrong turn.

This trip to the real world, on the other hand, proved to be more interesting than he originally thought. To think that he despised the idea of travelling on short notices. Merely thinking about all the troubles he went through just to secure the necessary permissions for this gave him a headache. And all because of this woman seating peacefully beside him, wearing that content smile on her ethereal face.

How she got hers cleared without his knowing will remain a mystery. This woman can get all the approvals she needed by pulling all the right strings. He would never understand the complexity of it all, the world of "favors" and "connections", even if his life depended on it. Although, he does acknowledge the end result as nothing short of impressive.

'_Come to think of it, it may be that she did get my approval, during one of her drunken nights or two…or was it when I was in such a rush for a meeting that I signed all the documents on the incoming shelf? Tsk. Women and their ways.'_

He allowed themselves a few more minutes of solitude. His usually bubbly and talkative lieutenant suddenly had her mouth shut the whole time. It kind of scared him as to what her real problem was.

Speaking of which, she never really did say exactly why, or did he just not care knowing at all?

He was not one to dwell too much on the past though. Standing up, he straightened his back dusting whatever weed attached on his pants. Without even a glance at her direction, he walked forward, calmly calling out to her.

"Let's go, Matsumoto. We don't have all day. Inoue might have gone home by now."

Thinking about the orange-haired human, he thought that he and Matsumoto could purchase something along the way as a sign of gratitude for her hospitality. Noticing that his companion did not move even a single inch, he turned around, finally glancing at her.

"What are you waiting for?"

He felt a bit ashamed at first, for she seemed to be in a somewhat reverie. She had her eyes closed then, and opening them, she looked cautiously at her captain.

He meant to ask her if she's all right but there was something in her eyes that stopped him from doing so. He cursed himself during times like this. He couldn't seem to say or think of the right words, more so the approach to take. He had seen her space out like this in the past and he would always leave her be, recognizing that all she needed was time to get herself back together. He was sure she would have done the same for him, had their circumstances reversed.

'_Wait. Did she, by any chance, come here to get herself back together…?' _

Her voice was somber as color began to fill her eyes, though the haze remained and appeared more dominant regardless.

"I still haven't said why I left."

Looking barely above interested, he waited. He really didn't need to know now. Not that he didn't care, he just didn't want to delve into such a personal matter.

_Or, did he?_

"The reason why I left…is because I never really wanted to be in a place which reminded me of _him_. Not yesterday, at least."

_Him_. At the very least, now he knew more or less why. Of course. How convenient. He berated himself for not figuring out earlier. He had seen that look on her eyes before, had an inkling feeling what it was about but did not really delve further into the details. He should have known all this trouble was about _him_.

'_That vile excuse of a captain.'_

To this day, he could still see that smile plastered on his fox-like face. To think he was being compared to that traitor just because of their intelligence disgusts him. As far as Hitsugaya Toshiro was concerned, that's as far as the similarities go, even if that similarity was still being continuously contested on his mind. What he knew and hold as true, was that he is nothing like that man. Absolutely nothing.

But there he was, in this somewhat peaceful sanctuary, listening to his vice-captain pouring herself out.

He sighed. He just had to bear with this further, hadn't he? He need not compute how long it had been since.

"So it's been a year."

She nodded.

_A year since his death._

For all it's worth, _this_ was the first time - the first time she really opened up about herself after _that_ day.

"I just felt weird yesterday. You see, when I think of Gin, there is this emptiness within. I often find myself asking 'what am I doing here?'. Like, sometimes, when you tend to forget why you're in a certain place, you feel as though you're in a maze. Lost, and alone. That sort of thing. I guess I just wanted to keep my emotions and sanity in check."

His name stung in his ears and it carried with it an unconventional negativity that Hitsugaya was more than willing to act on. Even in his death, that man still continues to torment the people around him. Battling his thinning patience, he controlled his emotions from showing. This was Matsumoto before him, revealing her feelings - the same Matsumoto who held onto him that evening, who he welcomed and assured protection in his arms.

But she was someone bound still by an unwanted past unforgiving to let her go. And he hated all the fates for that.

"That's why you left? You lost…purpose in what you're doing?"

Standing up, she looked outward as she shook her head.

"For the longest time, taicho, I was so used to be in _his_ shadow. You see, he held out his hand for me…"

As though mimicking the day they met, she raised a hand into the air. He need not see her eyes to know that they have completely glazed over. Recalling one's past does that to a person. It was best that he allow her to carry on than to interrupt her verbose.

"…he saved me that day. It wasn't sunny as this though…somehow, the sun was a bit…harsher? I really can't tell." Closing her eyes, she opened them once more as she turned to look at her anticipating captain.

"Do you remember when you asked me when my birthday was?"

He nodded, as though attentive to every word, to every breath she made.

"But you never really did say when."

Smiling, she gazed over the horizon.

"It was that day, taicho..." Holding her right hand with her left, she swore she could still feel _his_ hand on it.

"…it was the day he held out his hand for me. The day he saved me from the merciless streets, wandering alone. Back then, I'd like to think of it as a form of deliverance. That someone was watching me from above and sent him to me. The years that we spent together afterwards formed my childhood. He taught me things I never knew, showed me things I can only imagine."

'_But mostly, he just taught me to depend on him, for everything. To be vulnerable, with or without him.'_

He didn't know how to respond. Unlike Matsumoto, he had his grandma and Momo to accompany him growing up. And she - she had Ichimaru instead. No wonder he had such an effect on her.

"The next thing I knew, we parted ways and met again on the academy. Imagine my shock at seeing him there. He never really…acknowledged our past, though. And I figured, it might have been best that way. Building my reputation then on, life filled with sake and parties and endless lists of admirers after, I can still remember him and the small rotting place we called a home. I became a vice-captain then, and he, a captain-"

"Then he became a traitor. And you became a hero." He finished as he walked towards her. He didn't mean to kill the mood, he just didn't like where this was headed. He didn't want to venture on the endless nights that dragged on after the war. Or remember how broken she was, and her painful path to recovery. It took all of him to bring her back, and at this rate, he feared that he was beginning to lose her again.

He cannot allow that. Not again.

"Yes. He became a traitor. He chose his own death by his own doing. The fool." She muttered dryly.

And then, silence enveloped them.

"Despite all these, I loved him…"

A passing breeze ensued. It was an uncomfortable silence. A confession he knew in his heart would come sooner. She, on her part, always knew this, and detested herself for admitting it now and telling her captain about it. She seemed like a lost child again. Running away, always running away.

'_What a mess Gin truly made of her. In all her life, she had not felt so pathetic for allowing a man to ruin her – to touch her – in ways more than once.' _

She need not look into the face of her captain. She knew how he hated the man. What Gin and Aizen did brought not only an indescribable pain but also a life full of misery. Hinamori, her captain's childhood friend, remain on sedatives to this day. Her fate lied on the balance, although her execution may have proved imminent any day soon.

Running a hand on his locks, he sighed, but never spoke a word.

"…but I hated him more, because he's dead. At least before, I should only manage to not drift across his path to avoid him. These days, however, he would invade even my dreams and claim it his. Even a year after, I could still feel him, and all these memories are not helping at all. Working in Seiretei, or being in Soul Society in general, suddenly seemed intoxicating."

"And you just had to get out." he whispered, knowing eyes observing her.

"I guess it's the rational thought, knowing yesterday was his first death anniversary and all. Or it could also be the drills, the hollows, heck, even the paperwork. All these might've motivated me to go away." She chimed in as the first sign of laughter echoed.

_Yes, the paperwork. How thoughtful of her to have that in._

The idea of paperwork haunting Matsumoto in her dreams seemed very likely that Hitsugaya could barely contain a smile.

In the sudden change of mood, she felt herself loosen up, falling back to the soft grass beneath. Closing her eyes, she enjoyed the light breezes every now and then. The sun started to ascend and now was in full view. The leaves of the tree provided shelter against its rays.

Lying down, she could very well see the numerous clouds hovering above. Today's weather was such a stark contrast to yesterday's. She much preferred it this way all the time, to be honest.

"But you know, come to think of it, going here can be seen as a waste of time after all."

She could tell he was looking at her. Curiously, if she may add.

"It really didn't matter where I was in the end. Whether I was in Soul Society, or here in the real world, he would still be in my thoughts. I just thought a change of scenery would be enough of a…_diversion_."

_Wrongly so, as it turned out._

"It did you well, though."

Opening her eyes, she looked up at him, although she could only see the outline of his figure - the leaves' shade covering most of his skin dark.

Feeling the need to explain further, he breathed in.

"You don't have all _these_ in Soul Society. You _need_ to be surrounded with diversity every once in a while. Even that can create that diversion." He gestured towards the surroundings.

"Besides, this world provides a great place to think things through."

Her captain may be a bit stern at times, but in certain dire moments, he would always come up with these bits of encouragement.

"Mou, taicho..." Sitting up, her voice carried with it the familiar teasing tone.

"…aren't you the one who said that I shouldn't think because 'thinking is unbecoming of me'?" a familiar glint of mischief appeared on her eyes as she stared up at him, fully aware of how she appeared.

Caught off-guard, Hitsugaya tried his hardest to fight off a blush creeping on his cheeks. It's not really what she said, but _how_ she said it that got to him more. Looking down at her splayed over the meadow the way she did really didn't help his slowly corrupting mind.

Though, her hair did inexplicably shine brighter today. And her lips looked a bit more luscious-

'_Hold on, luscious?! Damn hormones stirring at the best of times!' _Mentally berating himself for such improper thoughts, he averted his eyes elsewhere as he tried to explain himself.

"Well, that is…" he stammered, finding the right words, at the same time, careful of not saying anything stupid.

"…you would do so even if I told you not to!" Great. Saying words out loud could help his cause. Allowing his embarrassment through a shout really spoke well of him, and he had to fight the urge of hitting his head for such a childish demeanor.

And what exactly did he say anyway? Even he did not understand.

Just then, she laughed. It was such a careless laughter that he couldn't help but be affected, as well. Stealing a glance at her, he could very well see the Matsumoto he knew – the Matsumoto he grew to care for deeply.

"Taicho, are you sure you're well?" In between sobs, she asked all too pleased even for his liking. It was meant to be an insult – one which, ironically, he welcomed wholeheartedly. For it was a sign that she was back.

_She_ was back, truly.

He nodded, allowing a rare smile to appear on his face - allowing her to see it. It was not a smirk, more of something much serene as his eyes and features softened. Looking like this, Matsumoto swore it meant something else she couldn't exactly figure out at the moment.

She had seen that look before.

"Here, Matsumoto. It's time to go back." As he spoke the words, he bent down just a bit and offered her a hand.

From where she sat, this looked awfully familiar, as though a memory long ago tugged at her heart.

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_As she slumped on the ground, she raised her head to see who was blocking her way. He had his hand outstretched to her._

'_Who are you…?'_

_She should have asked him then but instead, what came out of her instead was a soft whisper._

"_Thank you."_

_Every year since that day, she then knew what a birthday meant. _

_It meant a new beginning - life._

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"So this is what it felt like." She whispered, not exactly out loud but more so borne out of contemplation. There stood her captain, a hand offered to her.

And he had this smile on his face, how could she forget such a warm smile.

Raising her own, she held his hand tightly, and pulled herself up until she's standing at her full height. The years had indeed been kind to her captain. In such close proximity, she reached only his chin now, whereas she could recall with fondness how he would protest every hug she gave him, as he reached only her generous chest.

"Are you ready to go home, Matsumoto?" he inquired, hand still on hers.

_Home. _It had a good ring to it. She was surprised though as the first image that came to mind were their barracks and the office that she shared with her captain. Had the word been mentioned in the past, she would think of the old hut by Rukongai which served as her shelter with _him_. But this was different. The person, the place, the memory. All were familiar, though opposite sides of a spectrum.

Looking at him right now, something dawned upon her. Staring down at their intertwined hands, a sudden realization hit her, and boy did it hit her hard.

She knows that every now and then, _his_ memory will linger on her mind - that once in a while, she would allow herself that vulnerability which _he_ so carelessly took advantage of.

But she also was assured that at the end of the road, that at the end of every raging storm, her captain would be there, just waiting for her. He cannot fight her battles for her, but his presence alone could encourage her in ways that she couldn't fully understand, more so explain. It was as if knowing he was there for her gave her the necessary push to surpass whatever it was that she was facing.

She needed her captain, more than she would deem to show, and even more than she would care to admit.

Whether it was out of loyalty or any other emotion, she swore on her heart that she would remain by his side.

'_As he did with me.'_

He was right. Her captain was right, _as always_. This trip was not a waste of time, after all.

"Hai, taicho." She responded in such a delicate tone he began to feel a bit heady. Dismissing any thought, he stared down as he blushed, suddenly aware that he was still holding her hand. He tried to let go, only to have her hold onto him tighter. He searched her eyes for something - a meaning perhaps.

"Let's go home." She whispered softly, entwining her arm with his, not keen on letting him go.

Even if he did not admit it, he liked this. He allowed his senses to be overtaken by her presence – allowed every inch of him to feel her commanding energy. All these feel…just about right.

She, for her part, would not have it any other way either.

**End.**

* * *

**A/N: **Two-shot it is then. Basically, the general idea is to have memories be replaced by essentially the same thing, but each new one has a different meaning, or something like that. I'd like to think that a person's healing can coincide with familiarity, as is the case with Matsumoto here in this fic. Forgive all my inconsistencies, grammatical errors, or abrupt cuts. I really have been reeling from a long hiatus. Thank you for taking time to read this and reviews are much appreciated. Thank you too, to shattered petal for the last chapter. I really admire your work, and reading your stories inspired me to write again.


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